I don’t know how I got on the mailing list. I’ve never bought anything from them, either in person or online. I live about 2,000 miles from their closest brick-and-mortar stores. Yet once a month or so, I receive a catalog from this women’s sportswear company. And I love this catalog. It’s the stuff dreams are made of.
This ain’t your momma’s catalog. The models aren’t walking down a quaint main street while laughing casually at something just off camera. These women are running, jumping, sweating, They’re covered in sand playing beach volleyball. They’re windsurfing. They’re trail running through the rainforest. They’re hooking their surfboards to the tops of their Jeeps. I want to live inside this catalog.
Fun facts are listed next to the photos of each model. These are not J. Peterman descriptions. Louise likes kimchi and chocolate. Bryana’s talent is a five-minute handstand. Natalie rides her mountain bike to blow dry her hair.
Is this sand-surfing? Sand-boarding? Boogie-sanding? Whatever, I’m in if you’ll just get me out of this cold weather.
Those tidbits are entertaining, but what I really want to know is, how can I stop working in a florescent-lit office, with offensive carpet that smells strangely like Tang, where I click the computer mouse until I have carpal tunnel syndrome, and instead windsurf all day. I want to be Beth, a former pro-soccer player with kick-ass calves, or Katy, who swings across leafy gorges. I am absolutely sure that if I could step inside the world of this catalog, I, too, could surf like Hannah, a world bodysurfing champion who isn’t afraid to be swallowed whole by a rogue wave.
If I only had this swimsuit, I could do this too. I know it.
If I order the “bliss jacket” and the “seaside slip-on skirt,” will I be magically transported out of the concrete icebox where I live to a place with cloudless blue skies and golden sand so I can “surf without a leash” like Maggie? (I’m not even sure what that means, but I want to do it.)
I want to be Bryana, whose hobby is trampoline. Yes, when someone asks what I like to do for fun, I want to answer, “I trampoline,” instead of “I drink coffee.” Though in my real life, the one through which I’m typing this, believes that after sixty seconds of trampoline, I’d find it repetitive. But in the catalog, there is no boredom! No frustration! No pasty, flaky skin!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to place an order for the “reversible bodacious bottom” to see if there is any truth in advertising.
Maybe I’ll try the “Holy Grail Bottom.” I’m open to the possibilities.
Have a great weekend, everyone!
This is soooo funny! In my LLBean world, things are not so entertaining, and I too would love to know how I can have this kind of dream world. Let me know how reversible the bodacious bottom really is. I may have to give it a try too.
I think it’s difficult to find the bodacious bottom in the LL Bean catalog. I know. I’ve looked. 🙂
Hi Jackie. Your post made me laugh! I get this catalog too and it makes me totally crazy. I can’t help comparing myself to these incredibly fit women and wish that I was thinner and fitter and younger. Sigh. Somehow they manage to work a full-time job and compete in grueling triathalons. Sigh.
Hi Patti! I think the issue here is that we do not have the “reversible bodacious bottom.” That will make all the difference. 🙂
🙂 🙂 🙂
I’ll take the Holy Grail Bottom?
It does seem that the “holy grail bottom” is the thing we’ve all been searching for. 🙂
I think I have enough on my hands with one bottom 🙂 I tried sand-boarding in Oz – panicked halfway down the dune and dug the board into the sand to slow down. Ended up eating sand. It’s not like it is in the catalogue 😉
Cakeboarding is the way to go, I say!
Now you’re talking! Cakeboarding sounds delightful. And more delicious.
I wonder what kind of outfit you’d wear for that… I’m veering towards naked and armed with a big spoon 🙂
Or sandboarding with a cake in your gob 🙂
Sandkuchen 🙂
Love 🙂
Good idea. Things could get messy.
And look at her smiling as she careens down that sandy dune!
PS. now that you’ve told me more about your daredevil adventures, I’m even happier that you’ve got insurance now. 🙂
Ha, that was a long time ago! Back when I had balls 🙂
I get this catalogue too. About ten years ago I once ordered three bras from them and now I seem to be on their mailing list for life. I commend you for leafing through it with such rapt attention to make these spot on observations. The last time I looked through one, I needed to pop Aleve and slather myself in Ben-gay.
Maybe it’s this endless winter that’s causing this delusional thinking, but I’m starting to believe that sand-surfing would be fun.
I’m a little hurt that I don’t get these catalogs. They must know about my life of sloth.Though I think I might be down for a “bliss jacket” whatever that is. I could definitely use more bliss.
I wonder: if I order 10 “bliss jackets,” will I get 10x more bliss? I’m willing to give it a try. 🙂
Ha, I get those catalogs too and always feel so inspired. For about 10 minutes. There are sand dunes outside San Diego, but I’ve never seen anyone surfing them. Sand is so thick, it seems like you’d get stuck pretty easily?
Hope spring is really around the corner for you, Jackie.
Good point, Carole. After a day of sand surfing, I can only imagine all the places where I’d find sand!
It’s snowing right now, so I’m really hoping spring comes soon!
Thanks for making us smile and laugh, Jackie, on this icy, wintry day here outside Washington, DC! Lorraine
PS You’re reminding me that I haven’t read Station Eleven, yet, picked up from our time at BEA.
Station Eleven has been keeping me up at night! There are echoes of The Road, but with more lush storytelling. I’ll be interested to hear your opinion.
My existence seems to be lacking, Jackie. I neither have nor desire two bottoms in one 🙂
Then, perhaps the Holy Grail Bottom is for you. 😉
A five-minute handstand. I can feel the burn. How come I never got this when I lived in Boston?
I can almost see you sand-surfing like the woman in the photo. Almost. 🙂
It’s all clear now. The only reason I am an overweight, pathetic couch-sloth is because I lack the appropriate wardrobe to go boogie-sanding!
I think you’re the perfect candidate for a reversible bodacious bottom. 🙂